A Modest Proposal

It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great
town, or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the
roads and cabbin-doors crowded with beggars of both sexes,
, all in rags, and importuning every passenger for an alms. These
elders instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are
forced to employ all their time in stroling to beg sustenance for
themselves and either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their
dear native country, to fall on the welfare of more enlightened
states. I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious
number of old people in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of
the families they have sired and raised up, is in the present
deplorable state of the nation, a very great additional grievance; and
therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of
making these elders sound and useful members of the common-wealth,
would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue set up for
a preserver of the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for

these professed beggars: it is of a much greater
extent, and shall take in the whole number of citizens at a
certain age, who are parents in effect as little able to
support their grown children, as those who demand our charity in the streets.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years, upon this
important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our
projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their
computation. It is true, an elder just retired its worklife, may be
supported by a pension, for a solar year, with little other
nourishment: at most not above the value of two shillings, which the
mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful
occupation of begging; and it is exactly at 66 years old that I
propose to provide for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a
charge upon their grown children, or the parish, or wanting food and
raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall, on the contrary, 
contribute to the feeding, and partly to the cloathing
of many thousands, both here and abroad via food distribution programs
of many NGOs.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it
will prevent those involuntary confinements in nursing homes, and that
horrid practice of families murdering their unwanted parents, alas!
too frequent among us, sacrificing the poor innocent elders, I doubt,
more to avoid the expence than the shame, which would move tears and
pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.

The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one
million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two
hundred thousand couple whose are aged; from which number I subtract
thirty thousand couple, who are able to maintain their own lifestyles,
(although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present
distresses of the kingdom) but this being granted, there will remain
an hundred and seventy thousand aging and infirm residents. I again
subtract fifty thousand, for those who suffer heart attack, or who die
by accident or disease within the year. There only remain an hundred
and twenty thousand parents of young, productive, working adults.

 The question therefore is, How this number shall be reared, and
provided for? which, as I have already said, under the present
situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods
hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or
agriculture; we neither build houses, (I mean in the country) nor
cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing
till they arrive at sixty years old; except where they are of agile
parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier;
during which time they can however be properly looked upon only as
probationers: As I have been informed by a principal gentleman in
the county of Cavan, who protested to me, that he never knew
above one or two instances under the age of sixty, even in a part of
the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.
I am assured by our merchants, that a retired citizen, male or female
after sixty years old, is no saleable commodity, and even when they
come to this age, they will not yield above three pounds, or three
pounds and half a crown at most, on the exchange; which cannot turn to
account either to anyone, the charge of nutriments and rags having
been at least four times that value.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I
hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in
London, that a healthy, well-tended aging American, is, at at 60 years
old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed,
roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally
serve in a fricasie, or a ragoust should the aforementioned be even
older. And surely, clever chefs will apply rubs and vinaigrettes,
curries and marinades capable of rendering even the oldest meats quite
tender.

I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of
the hundred and twenty thousand elders, already computed,
twenty thousand may be reserved for educational purposes, whereof only

one fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep,
black cattle, or swine, and my reason is, that these elders are
seldom the fruits of bountiful careers, a circumstance not much

regarded by our savages, therefore, one male will be sufficient to
serve the purpose. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at 60 years old,
be offered in sale to food and pet food companies of quality and fortune, through
the kingdom, always advising the companies to let them dine
plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump, and fat for
a good table. A seasoned elder will make two dishes at an
entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the
fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned
with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the
fourth day, especially in winter. Surplus elders will surley proccess
nicely into dried cakes for distribution in the starving lands of
Afrika or to supply the needs of cats and dogs across the land.

I have reckoned upon a medium, that a healthy elder will weigh
162 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, encreaseth
to 180 pounds. I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very
proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of
the parents, seem to have the best title to the elders.

Elder's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more
plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are
told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish
being a prolifick dyet, there are more children born in Republican
counties about nine months after Lent, the markets
will be more glutted than usual, because the number of Republicans
retiring from their careers, is at least three to one in this kingdom,
and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by
lessening the number of Republicans among us.

I have already computed the charge of nursing a retiree
(in which list I reckon all cottagers, labourers, and four-fifths
of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags
included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten
shillings for the carcass of a good fat old person, which, as I have
said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he
hath only some particular friend, or his own family to dine with
him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and grow
popular among his tenants, the young family will have eight shillings
neat profit, and be fit for work till retirement.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require)
may flea the carcass; the skin of which, artificially dressed,
will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine
gentlemen.

As to our City of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this
purpose, in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may
be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend
buying the retirees alive, and dressing them hot from the knife,
as we do roasting pigs.

A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose
virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased, in discoursing on
this matter, to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said, that
many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their
deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be well
supply'd by the bodies of retiredmen and women, not exceeding
seventy years of age, nor under sixty; so great a number of
both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of
work and service: And these to be disposed of by their children if
alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations.

This excellent friend also cited the vast economic benefit of removing
the elders from the rolls eligible to drain our social security system
and the benefits of thus reducing the social security tax on dwindling
numbers of working younger adults
But with due deference to so excellent a friend, and so deserving a
patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the
males, my American acquaintance assured me from frequent experience,
that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our
school-boys, by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable,
and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the
females, it would, I think, with humble submission, be a loss to
the publick, because they soon would become feeders themselves:
And besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people
might be apt to censure such a practice, (although indeed very
unjustly) as a little bordering upon cruelty, which, I confess,
hath always been with me the strongest objection against any
project, how well soever intended.

But in order to justify my friend, he confessed, that this
expedient was put into his head by the famous Salmanaazor, a
native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London,
above twenty years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that
in his country, when any aging person happened to be put to
death, the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality, as
a prime dainty; and that, in his time, the body of a plump school
principal of fifty five, who was crucified for an attempt to poison
the President, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister of
state, and other great mandarins of the court in joints from the
gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that
if the same use were made of several plump retirees in this
town, who without one single groat to their fortunes, cannot stir
abroad without a chair, and appear at a play-house and assemblies
in foreign fineries which they never will pay for; the kingdom
would not be the worse.

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about
that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or
maimed; and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course
may be taken, to ease the nation of so grievous an incumbrance.
But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is
very well known, that they are every day dying, and rotting, by
cold and famine, and filth, and vermin, as fast as can be
reasonably expected. And as to the young labourers, they are now
in almost as hopeful a condition. They cannot get work, and
consequently pine away from want of nourishment, to a degree,
that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labour,
they have not strength to perform it, and thus the country and
themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my
subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made
are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen
the number of Republicans, with whom we are yearly over-run, being
the principal breeders of the nation, as well as our most
dangerous enemies, and who stay at home on purpose with a design
to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their
advantage by the absence of so many good Protestants, who have
chosen rather to leave their country, than stay at home and pay
tithes against their conscience to an episcopal curate.

Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of
their own, which by law may be made liable to a distress, and
help to pay their landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being
already seized, and the Social Security check a thing unknown.

Thirdly, Whereas the maintainance of an hundred thousand
retired citizens, from sixty years old, and upwards, cannot be

computed at less than ten shillings a piece per annum, the nation's

stock will be thereby encreased fifty thousand pounds per annum,
besides the profit of a new dish, introduced to the tables of all
gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom, who have any refinement in
taste. And the money will circulate among our selves, the goods
being entirely of our own growth and manufacture.

Fourthly, The productive workers, besides the gain of eight
shillings sterling per annum by the sale of their parents, will
be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year.

Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns,
where the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the
best receipts for dressing it to perfection; and consequently
have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who
justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating; and
a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will
contrive to make it as expensive as they please.

Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all
wise nations have either encouraged by rewards, or enforced by
laws and penalties. It would encrease the care and tenderness of
mothers towards their parents, when they were sure of a final
life settlement to the poor old people, provided in some sort by
the publick, to their annual profit instead of expence. We should
soon see an honest contest among the married women, which of
them could bring the fattest parent to the market. Men would
become as fond of their parents, during the time of their approaching

sale, as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in
calf, or sow when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or
kick them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a charge of
elder abuse.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the
addition of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of
barrel'd beef: the propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement
in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the
great destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables; which are
no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well grown, fat
yearly retiree, which roasted whole will make a considerable figure
at a Lord Mayor's feast, or any other publick entertainment. But
this, and many others, I omit, being studious of brevity.

Supposing that one thousand families in this city, would be
constant customers for the flesh of their elders, besides others who

might have it at merry meetings, particularly at weddings and
christenings, I compute that Dublin would take off annually about
twenty thousand carcasses; and the rest of the kingdom (where
probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper) the remaining eighty
thousand.

Facilities for housing and later curing meat will be required, it is
true, but there exists in Petersham, in the Commonwealth of
Massachusetts, a facility ideal for both purposes. The colonial
Nichewaug Inn stands now vacant and ready to house the elders while
their spirits are soothed and their diets purified in the weeks before
their demise. Comprising 100 or more rooms with an ample kitchen, the
property will undoubtedly serve the purpose provided some system for
disposing of offal can be devised such as a rendering to create much-needed
bio-diesel fuels from the fatty wastes.

The graceful one-time hotel is already ensconsed in publick ownership
and so is immediately ready for the task.

I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised
against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number
of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. But this is no
issue as so many would be Republicans. This I freely own, and 'twas
indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the
reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one
individual Kingdom of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or,
I think, ever can be upon Earth.

Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of taxing
our absentees at five shillings a pound: Of using neither
cloaths, nor houshold furniture, except what is of our own growth
and manufacture: Of utterly rejecting the materials and
instruments that promote foreign luxury: Of curing the
expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our
women: Of introducing a vein of parsimony, prudence and
temperance: Of learning to love our country, wherein we differ
even from Laplanders, and the inhabitants of Topinamboo: Of
quitting our animosities and factions, nor acting any longer like
the Jews, who were murdering one another at the very moment their
city was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell our
country and consciences for nothing: Of teaching landlords to
have at least one degree of mercy towards their tenants.

Lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our
shop-keepers, who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy only
our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon
us in the price, the measure, and the goodness, nor could ever
yet be brought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though
often and earnestly invited to it.

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like
expedients, 'till he hath at least some glympse of hope, that
there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them
into practice.

But, as to my self, having been wearied out for many years with
offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly
despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal,
which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real,
of no expence and little trouble, full in our own power, and
whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging England. For this
kind of commodity will not bear exportation, and flesh being of
too tender a consistence, to admit a long continuance in salt,
although perhaps I could name a country, which would be glad to
eat up our whole nation without it.

After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion, as to
reject any offer, proposed by wise men, which shall be found
equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before
something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my
scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors
will be pleased maturely to consider two points.

First, As things now stand, how they will be able to find food and
raiment for a hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly,

There being a round million of creatures in humane figure throughout
this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock,
would leave them in debt two million of pounds sterling, adding
those who are beggars by profession, to the bulk of farmers,
cottagers and labourers, with their wives and children, who are
beggars in effect; I desire those politicians who dislike my
overture, and may perhaps be so bold to attempt an answer, that
they will first ask the parents of these mortals, whether they
would not at this day think it a great happiness to have been
sold for food at sixty years old, in the manner I prescribe, and
thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes, as
they have since gone through, by the oppression of landlords, the
impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the want of
common sustenance, with neither house nor cloaths to cover them
from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable
prospect of intailing the like, or greater miseries, upon their
breed for ever.